It was early Monday morning and I’d been out in the garden painting, what seemed like the endless garden fence and was listening to an Audio book as I find painting to be laborious… I’m not sure how long I was doing it for, but at one point during the mundane dip and wipe, dip and wipe, I noticed that I wasn’t listening to the audio book at all, but rather, chuntering enthusiastically in my head like some fuckin’ crazy woman!
The chuntering topic, last night’s dream! The dream… an ex turns up with a new girlfriend, (she seemed very nice) but he was insistent on pursuing me right under her nose…! Shall we just say, that a few years ago this individual and myself parted on shitty terms and judging by my dream last night he’s lurking somewhere in the attic of my psyche… waiting to pick his moment and right enough, Sunday night was the night.
Social media had previously informed me that during Mercury retrograde (currently underway) the past can turn up (silent eye roll) … an opportunity in fact to revisit, review, rewrite perhaps? Or have an ex visit in a dream so it would seem!
Anyway, to the enthusiastic chuntering! There I was painting the boards playing out scenarios in my head about what would be said and how I would handle any unsolicited visits. I could feel myself getting het up and nauseous… I could feel the churning of old hurts, clearly unhealed pots of goo bubbling and popping… then another internal voice joined the conversation… “Stop! Just stop!”
Questioningly the interjecting voice continued, “Why are you doing this? You’ve missed sections of the audio book, you’re not present and can’t take pleasure from having just completed the fence, (I’d hardly even noticed!) this nonsense is taking up your time and energy and none of the things you’re ‘planning’ in your head will even happen! Just stop!”
I took a step back, admired the endless fence and packed away the paint and brushes…. Sitting on a log next to the fire pit I got quiet… “Why did I feel nauseous?” Was the first question, secondly was “WTF are you doing?”
I was feeling nauseous because the totally made-up mental scenario was out of my control, I was feeling nauseous because I thought that this part of life was dealt with, I felt nauseous because once again I felt I would have to defend and protect myself…
In that moment, I spoke to the Universe, “I hand this to you Divine Beloved, I hand you this ‘maybe scenario’, I hand you this potential cluster-fuck. If said individual were to arrive, I know it would be for a purpose, I know there will be knowledge to gain and wisdom to add to the trilogy of life lessons…” and relief came
In answer to “WTF are you doing?” I was being violent, violent to myself. I decided to go for a shower, wash off the splashes of fence paint and any remnants of the ‘maybe scenario’ bullshit…
Showered and sitting on my bed I began thinking about the violence towards myself and the Munay Ki Rites, (shamanic rites of initiation, the energetic upgrades if you will, that I was gifted many years ago) these rites came with 5 principles, teachings that this morning resurface and helped me to remember and care for myself once again… the first principle is Non-Violence. Sitting there the words echo around my mind, ‘non-violence to self and others’.
In life, among thinking individuals, non-violence to others is obvious… right? But what about violence to self? In thoughts, in behaviour, in poor boundaries, in low self-esteem?
‘In the more consciously self-aware areas of life there’s much talk of self-care… many a floral bath accompanied by the obligatory salt lamp pop up on Instagram, followed by manicures (this I will never understand; pumping all those chemicals in through the nailbed can never be self-care), massages, retreats, yogaing yourself into a pretzel etc…. many of which have their place, I guess.
But is there a point to all this stuff if there is still internal violence? The ranty, angry voice…What if the internal dialogue is “Is my juice green enough?” “Is my yoga pretzely enough?” “I’ll tell her about herself when…!” “I shoulda been better or stronger in that situation…”
This is not only negative self-talk but violence to ourselves… If we find this within us, as I did this morning, here are few things we can do….
You always have a choice to stop
Stop, take a moment, change your activity.
Congratulate yourself for stopping, taking a moment or changing your activity (the thought process has been interrupted)
Stop 'shoulding' on yourself
Assess where these ‘ranty-maybe-scenarios’ are coming from.
Write the story and place in the flames.
Shower and wash the granules of old down the drain
Find the root cause
But, when you have some real time to invest yourself, some real self-care moments put aside for sacred contemplation and healing…. Investigate further and see what is left unfinished.
For me, this trigger this morning, was related to things that were left unsaid, anger left unexpressed, hurt still to tend and forgiveness withheld…
So, maybe social media was right… maybe my ex did visit, in my mind at least, that I could investigate the relationship once again, at my own pace, while I painted the fence, in safety while I showered, dried and remembered, and in writing this short story….. some real self-care and not a luxurious insta-tastic pic in sight!
With New moon in Leo coming in the next few days, I know what my ceremony will involve now… forgiveness of the past, forgiveness of myself and a handmade herb bundle of gratitude for the remembrance of non-violence and the opportunity to practice this sacred self-care during my not so mundane Monday.